The Answer to Everything
by Zeff N Company
Summary: Quasi-Sequel to Fancy Meeting You Here. "Is straddling someone on the floor in compromising positions your answer to everything?"
1. One Hundred Steps

A two-part sequel to _**Fancy Meeting You Here**_ that I was suddenly inspired to do in the dead of the night. I say, I must be _insane_. XD

Here's the first chapter - second will be along shortly. I promise all of you this, that this one _will_ be finished ASAP!

* * *

Quiet evenings in Radiant Garden were rare; there was usually something to be restored, something else to be fixed, yet something else to be cleared of debris. But today, today was special. Leon could not remember what occasion it was, but after discussing it through with the others - that is, Aerith, Cid, Yuffie, Merlin and a few other civilians who were new to the committee - he had agreed that the work could wait a few days. As was, many of the workers had taken the opportunity to stay home with their families, and those who had lost their families in the invasion, had the committee for now. 

Thus, on this quiet evening of rare occurrence, Leon was alone in Ansem's study, filing away the last of the reports; after all, even in the town was vacationing, _some _work still had to be done. And it was also at this point that his phone rang in his pocket. Pulling it out, he flipped it open and held it to his ear.

"Leonhart speaking."

"_**Where is Cid?**_" Cloud's voice came over the line.

Leon raised an eyebrow. "...excuse me?"

"_**I'm not asking to talk to him. I just want to know where he is,**_" came the curt reply. Leon played along.

"...he went back to Traverse Town for a bit. He says there's-"

"_**Where's Aerith?**_"

"...she's with the physician, they're trading home remedies."

"_**Where's Yuffie?**_"

"Babysitting for Cid."

"_**Where's Tifa?**_"

"Are you honestly asking me that?"

"_**... Where are you?**_"

"In Ansem's study."

"_**So you're alone?**_"

"... Yes?"

"_**Stay there, please. I'll be around in about five minutes to kill you.**_"

"Alright." And then his mind caught up and screamed at him in exasperation. "...wait, _what_?"

"_**I did warn you, Leonhart,**_" Cloud continued. The sound of his heavy boots echoed somewhere in the background.

"I wasn't taking you seriously," Leon answered. The slightest worry started to quiver in his gut as it moved on into the evolution toward fear.

"_**Your loss. You really should know better,**_" Cloud countered. Suddenly the footsteps stopped. "_**Fine. You have a hundred steps.**_"

"...what do you mean?"

"_**I'll be in the study within a hundred steps. You have until then to try and get out of this one.**_"

And then the footsteps echoed again.

"Now, just one-"

"_**Ninety-five steps,**_" Cloud interrupted coolly.

"Hold o-"

"_**Ninety.**_"

"But-"

"_**Eighty.**_"

"Did you just skip eight or nine steps?"

"_**I might have. It's been a while since I was last here.**_"

"You're a damn cheat."

"_**And you have seventy-one steps left. Keep thinking.**_"

As Cloud counted steps in his ear with a consistency, Leon's mind raced desperately for another option. He wanted to kick himself badly for leaving the Lionheart in the library. How it had possibly gone through his mind to think he'd be back for it in a moment...there would be no such moment if he did not hurry up and _think_.

There was a pause in the echo of footsteps, and he swore he could_hear_ that smirk. "_**Lucky thirteen, Leonhart. Feeling lucky yet?**_"

"Screw you, Strife," Leon growled venomously.

"_**In your dreams, Leonhart. Twelve.**_" and the footsteps started again.

This was it, Leon decided. He was going to die. Perhaps the faint hope that his remains would be given a proper cremation was out of the question. He imagined a few of the resident animals would not be too pleased with what they found in the dumpsters soon enough either.

"_**Seven steps.**_"

He could hear him just outside now!

"_**Four.**_"

A blind thought flashed through his head as he hastened to reposition himself.

"_**Two.**_"

That was it. If he was going to die, he would not die there. Not this day.

The door flung open, and Leon struck.

There was a surprised grunt as Cloud found himself assaulted quickly. The door slammed shut with a misplaced kick, and there was a series of angry grunts and growling as the two soon made their way to the center of the room as they struggled for dominance. At last, with a loud "thump", Cloud found himself experiencing déjà vu. Leon, on the other hand, was too concerned with the fact that he was still alive to notice.

"Is this honestly it?" Cloud growled out, glaring vehemently at the other.

"...what do you mean?" Leon testily asked, wary for any sudden attempt to turn the tables on his person.

"Is straddling someone on the floor in compromising positions your answer to everything?"

And then it clicked, and Leon realized that - for a second time in his recollection - he had Cloud pinned under him as he hovered on all fours with their faces just inches apart. He had just doomed himself all over again.

"... _Well_?"

Licking his lips uncertainly, Leon sought to just answer the question. Under him, Cloud looked ready to murder without remorse.

"...not that I think of, no. You don't see me making the forty-yard dash at any Heartless."

"So what you're saying," Cloud continued in a deathly cold voice, "is that once I'm in the equation, the solution is 'jump, tackle and wing it'?"

"...it works?" Leon suggested feebly. From the intense growing aura of death, he figured it was the wrong answer.

And then the door crashed open again.

"I heard a scuffle down here! Is something wrong? Are there more Heartless in here? Let me at them! Where did...oh, by _Shiva_!"

In the door stood a surprised yet morbidly fascinated Yuffie. Behind her, the two boys that were Cid's apprentices caught sight of Leon and Cloud on the floor as well. Both promptly flushed a very bright red. The little pink glob that followed young Jim around warbled confusedly, and the lance that young Pride was holding hit the ground with an ominous "clang".

Yuffie, on the other hand, wasted not a second as she promptly spun around and pointed at them. "You! You!" she ordered sharply. "I need a camera, and I needed it _yesterday_! Go find me a camera! _Get me a camera!_"

Jim Hawkins promptly took to his feet and sped down the hall, Morph but a pink blur trailing after him. Pride somehow recovered his lance and vaulted out the nearby window. Leon cringed as a muted "crunch" was heard later. If Cid had taught that boy anything about Jump, then that balcony was going to need restoring all over again.

Meanwhile, Yuffie stalled at the door, just staring at them as she flailed indignantly.

"Well, don't just _freeze_! Not now!" she protested. "_Keep going! Pretend I'm not here!_ As a matter of fact... _Don't stop while I'm gone!_"

And then she was gone as the door slammed a fourth time, probably also on the search for a camera of sorts.

As long as man-on-top-of-man was concerned, Leon decided, Yuffie was just plain crazy. His train of thought was interrupted as he heard a low growl, and then was bodily lifted back up as an incensed Cloud rose to his own feet.

"Slow and painful, Leonhart," Cloud hissed. "Slow and painful. And in a manner as inhumane as I can think of."

Leon had the decency not to cry for mother.

* * *

What can I say? Cloud is the kind that deals with embarrassment in a really angry way. XD 

The characters Jim Hawkins, Morph and Pride Akahara are actually cast from the still-under-construction story _**When Keyblades Rust**_ (actually, the physician is from that story as well... I really, really gotta get it done). Jim and Morph belong to Walt Disney. Pride was created by Flypipe/Damion, and has been kindly donated to me for the story. I like these two kids hanging around a messy garage, especially around an angry mentor like Cid. He's a great Dad figure, not just to new kids, but also to the ones he saved from Hollow Bastion that first night. Good on ya, Cid.

Story to be concluded in chapter 2...I hope.


	2. Enter the Opposition

Enter the Opposition

This...is late. Even I think so.

As luck would have it - Marco's phone line went dead last week. And with the main phone line gone, the modem keeled over as well. That left all the tenants and the landlord alike with no internet for a while, before the technician came by to fix it. I would've gone to Jimmy's place, but the bloke's family is off indefinitely as well. Of all the timings in the world... Also, I was constantly distracted and pissed at myself for corny openings.

Well, that aside, I'm back. And stay tuned for more updates, coming your way soon (I hope).

As a follow-up: this part 2 was based heavily on the proximity omake in proximity-nine's deviantArt gallery. Ain't exactly new, if you know what I mean, but it's full of funny. If you haven't seen it yet, be sure to check it out. If you have, see it again. Either way, I'm giving that two-page comic credit. Later, all!

* * *

_**CRACK-A-WHAM!**_

That, in a single sound, was enough to summarize the action of Tifa putting her boot to the door and persuading it to allow her entry via enough force to kill a small (and several large armored) Heartless. With a cluttering of bits and pieces to the floor, the door decided to acquiesce and swung aside.

Unfortunately, the negotiations were for naught; the target of the infiltration operation wasn't there. Then again, neither was the owner of the place. As it was, Pier's Weapon Upgrades and Accessories was devoid of life; even the moogles weren't around, and there from the door swung a sign that read "Closed".

"... ... Lost him again..." and with that Tifa concluded, "damn."

"...Tifa?"

From across the street was a familiar lady, just about to knock on the physician's door.

"Aerith!"

Tifa promptly left the shop and crossed the street to meet the latter. Just at the corner, someone squawked something along the lines of "My lock!" and ran toward the broken-in door while flapping in a panicky manner. He went ignored.

Meanwhile, Aerith smiled warmly in greeting as Tifa came to where she was. "I _thought_ that might be you. The noise, that is..."

"Have you seen Cloud by any chance?"

"No, I haven't...still no luck then?" When Tifa shook her head in reply, Aerith hummed in acknowledgment as she thought deeply.  
"Then again, Leon left for the study a little while ago."

"Would he know where Cloud is?"

There was a twinkle in Aerith's eye as her smile brightened. "I have a feeling he might."

Tifa tilted her head slightly, confused. "...and why would that be? The last I saw of them, they weren't all that pass mere acquaintanceship yet."

"Well..." Aerith leaned forward, brought a hand up, and whispered. Tifa at first nodded, and then her eyes widened marginally, and then they widened drastically. And then they went back to a disbelieving look with a quirked eyebrow as Aerith finished.

"...no way," she promptly stated. "Nice one, though. That must keep the kids entertained all week."

"It's _perfectly _true," Aerith chimed, her bright smile still worn with pride. "And they think no one knows. Men are so silly."

Tifa laughed, shaking her head as she walked away. "_I_ think you're pulling my leg."

"Go see for yourself!"

"Oh, I _will_..."

Aerith waved her friend goodbye, and then resumed her business as she knocked on the door. It promptly opened, and a grizzled man greeted her.

"Miss Gainsborough! Come on in!"

"Hello, Dr. Teo; how are the boys settling in?"

"Quite well, but they miss you with a passion. You know...children. Kadaj! Yazoo! Loz! Miss Gainsborough is here!"

* * *

The first one she passed along the way to the castle was airborne, and Tifa probably would not have noticed if his shadow hadn't momentarily blocked out the sun's glare. Thus, she had looked up, and thus had she spotted one of Cid's apprentices moving swiftly through the town with the skills imparted to him. She had called out to him, asking if he had seen either Leon or Cloud, and young Pride promptly made a strangled sound before he landed at her feet with an unceremonious "crunch"; thankfully, all those tiles could be replaced in good time. The boy sat up, incredibly red in the face, and proceeded to open and close his mouth wordlessly as he flapped his arms at a very rapid pace. All she could make out through hasty lip-reading was "study", "noise", "Commander and Captain", and "camera", and the kid promptly ducked his head in apology and hurtled through the air again with a hasty Jump.

The next one to cross her path was yet another of Cid's boys, with his small pink, gelatinous pet. When she asked if either of them had seen Leon or Cloud - or both, in hindsight - Morph promptly warbled excitedly, and started to change its appearance to reenact anything it had seen. Unfortunately, all Tifa got was first a camera, and then a blur of gold and brown lumped in close proximity to one another before Jim clapped his hands over the creature - earning from it an indignant squawk. A bright red that rivaled his fellow student from earlier, he mumbled several apologies and beat a hasty retreat as well. Tifa watched with increasing confusion as the strange creature that was entrapped in Jim's hands squeaked and shrilled loudly all the way.

The third - and last - to pass her by was Yuffie, also making a mad dash through the halls when Tifa caught her and effectively pulled her to a halt. She also asked Yuffie for any sightings, but she had barely uttered the word "Cloud" when Yuffie squealed with an almost ultrasonic frequency, jumped up and down, and proceeded to babble something along the lines of yaoi, doujinshis, millions to be made, and the need for a camera right away. She was also gesturing rapidly with twirling fingers something that didn't really look anywhere innocent, before slapping her hands together with a cry of exclamation as she barreled her way onward.

"...but _have_ you seen them?" Tifa called after her, quickly before the ninja was out of hearing.

"Yeah! They're in the study! And _don't let them stop_!"

By the time Tifa reached the doors, she was almost ready to believe Aerith's words.

...almost.

* * *

Leon winced as the small of his back connected with the edge of the desk, barely resisting the urge to steady himself against them. Instead, he reached up and seized Cloud by the arms in an attempt to push him off. Still, Cloud _was_ the stronger one, and easily kept him cornered with a firm grip on his shoulder blades.

"This is all your fault," Cloud growled, his fingers digging in painfully.

"_My_ fault? What did I do?"

"Damn it, Leonhart! Don't mess with me - it's bad enough Aerith orchestrated it all, bad enough _Edgeworth_ knows, but now I can't step into a bar without those off-world drunks looking at me weird! I was quite certain only _Yuffie_ was capable of ratting out, but _you_...! I trusted you, you scum."

"What? Is this what it is? Strife, I never breathed a word to anyone."

"Oh really?" Cloud's eyes narrowed dangerously as he leaned forward. "Then explain to me some things: Maya told me I need better dance moves."

"..._martial_ dance! She was talking about a _martial_ dance!"

"Thelma tried to sell me _lace_."

"Thelma is constantly confused! You _know_ that!"

"Gin called me Goldilocks."

"That's got _Seifer_ written all over it!"

"_Vincent_ asked me if I preferred purple or black, from experience."

"I put him on _wall-painting duty_!"

"Archimedes asked me which team I'd bat for."

"The owl's got an obsession with _baseball!_"

"The _genie_ asked me for advice on _lubricant_."

"The genie asked _everyone_! His lamp's getting rusty from the inside!"

There was another angry growl, and Cloud jerked him sharply to smack against the desk edge again. "Enough of your excuses. Say your prayers to whatever you believe in, Leonhart."

Leon swallowed, desperately trying to calm down. "So...you're going to kill me now?"

"With a _smile_."

"Strife, don't do something you'll regret."

"Don't worry; I _won't_."

And then they were promptly interrupted once more as the doors slammed open once again. There, at the entrance, stood Tifa. And the look on her face, in the span of two seconds, was _priceless_.

"So Aerith _wasn't_ making it up. Imagine that."

"T-_Tifa?_"

And then Cloud blushed as he realized what it was that Tifa saw - he and Leon...they were in very close contact, they were possibly embracing, they had their faces bare inches apart...and all in all...

_...shit! She's going to skin me alive!_ Cloud's thoughts practically screamed through his body language as he sputtered. "_W-wait! It's not what it looks like-_"

_For what? Trying to murder me in cold blood? I'm thinking she should._ "...actually," Leon stated firmly, his own thoughts well-read by the other, "it's exactly what it looks like..."

There was a loud "pop" - some would suspect it was one of Tifa's nerves - and the infuriated lady strode forward and seized Cloud by the back of his shirt collar.

"_That's it! _You're coming with me, mister!"

"B-but..." Cloud barely managed his plea for mercy before he was unceremoniously hauled off Leon and back toward the door. And it was only then that Leon realized what, exactly, "it looked like".

"Don't hurt him too badly," Leon asked after her, in a vain attempt to redeem the situation, "...please?"

"Oh, you're _lucky_ I found him before Sephiroth did..." Tifa snapped back. "He'd have pulled out his own feathers in a jealous rage! And then _killed_ both of you."

Leon blanched, sending a quick glance Cloud's way. _...sorry?_

_If I were you, I wouldn't sleep tonight. Or any other night_... and Leon flinched as the rest of Cloud's reply gave way to some very dark thoughts involving blood, a chainsaw, an assortment of scalpels, and a lot of screaming. Nothing pleasant would come out of it.

As the doors slammed one more time, the very frames shuddered in sympathy - for whom, it was only a matter of perspective.

Leon let out a shaky breath, and turned to retreat into the computer room. Tapping at the familiar keyboard, he activated a few links, and Tron's clipped voice echoed promptly.

**"Hello, User Leon! What can I do for you today?"**

"Get me Aerith, Vincent, and anyone in town who has ability as a lawyer," Leon answered, weary. "I've seen the future, and it requires me to write my will as soon as humanly possible."

* * *

_**PlayfulSylph**_: That they are - Treasure Planet is a Disney production and adaptation of the original Treasure Island. I enjoyed the step-counting myself.

_**Tobi-Uchiha**_: No one delays Yuffie from her needed dose of yaoi. Ever.

_**ShadowCat17**_: Well, here it is. Sorry for the long wait.

_**Renkin-chan**_: Yes, sequel. XD

_**Starshinesoldier**_: Poor Leon, indeed.


	3. Out of Sight

Yes...the bonus chapter. Hoo boy...

What brought this on? Spam in my inbox brought this on. Who was responsible? If your guest was Damion, it was (surprisingly) not him. No, it was Howling-Werewolf...(et tu, mon ami?)!

If this keeps up, I may end up with Part III, but in a separate story with its own title. And ideas are welcome, but please keep it in the reviews - I'm still going through the spam that has cluttered up my inbox.

It is well and truly for this one chapter that I rate the story such. XD

* * *

Leon liked quiet. So did Cloud. This quiet, however, was not one to like. It was the lull before the storm, the hush before the chaos, and the thick tension that had resulted ever since the two of them somehow ended up in the same room. Leon's room.

"Well," Leon commented, if anything to break the tense silence that had befallen them. "This is quite the turn of events."

"Please, shut up," Cloud groaned from the pillow he had buried his face into.

Leon obliged for a moment, and then Cloud changed his mind.

"Then again, keep talking. Get me distracted, get me stoned, or get me unconscious. Whichever works."

"Low pain tolerance?"

"Poor anger management."

"I'll find something."

Cloud groaned again into the pillow, then felt something cool tap against his cheek. Turning, he found himself staring at a glass bottle of dark liquid.

"Yuffie must have run off with the last of the local. You'll have to make do."

Cloud took the opened bottle awkwardly, turned and drank deeply. Then he made a face as he returned it. "Tifa didn't make this."

"You can tell?"

"Weak."

"I see." and Leon returned the bottle to the table. "So while we're on that subject, why did you feel running off to other worlds like that would keep you safe from her persistent wrath?"

"It works."

"For a while - let's hope she takes a little longer than usual, then."

"Mmph," Cloud answered, diving his head wearily back into the pillow. "This better work."

"It will...eventually," Leon reassured him, carefully slipping off his gloves. Already, the jacket was carefully draped over a chair. "Though, I don't see why you'd come to me, and so soon after-"

"Aerith."

"...oh," Leon paused and looked down. "I see... So I'm in the clear?"

There was a grunt, the closest thing to an apology. Leon smirked.

"Apology accepted. Why else?"

Cloud did not look up from the pillow as he pointed to the table, at the bag he had set down. "Edgeworth said half of that is yours for helping me."

"Nice of him. You ready?"

"...yeah. Just...be careful, Leonhart...alright?" Cloud's tone was almost pleading.

"I'll try."

* * *

Yuffie had barely returned when she noticed a pair of familiar boots planted easily next to Leon's. Cloud's boots, to be specific. With a leer, she snuck upstairs, and sure enough, the door to Leon's room was closed, and most likely locked. Gleefully, she approached, and was indeed greeted by the sounds of _ both_ men within.

"Nnngh..." Cloud was grunting, as though with some discomfort.

"You alright?" Leon was asking, a bit uncertain.

"... Harder; this isn't working."

"...how about now?"

"..._harder_, you pansy. Quit playing with me and just _shove it in right now_."

Yuffie's eyes were saucers as her lower jaw hit the floor. Oh, yes, that one scene in the study had been something, but she had her suspicions. Now, those suspicions were flying out the window and off the nearest cliff, screaming all the way in protest.

"You really want this, Strife?"

"I'm not some delicate damsel. Give me your best shot."

"Brace yourself, then."

"... _**HOLY SHIT!**_"

"I take it I hit the jackpot," Leon's reply sounded..._smug_.

Yuffie had so many none-too-innocent scenarios playing in her head, and for a brief moment, she was flying in the heavens. And then she came crashing back down as she realized that all she got was sounds. _Sounds_. What were sounds without actual visuals. And she was about to go around to the window when she heard Leon shift, and then they were talking again.

"... You ready for it again?"

"...do it. Do it _now_."

"Well, at least we're done with the foreplay."

"_Must_ you call it that?"

"The way you were ready to bite my head off? I figured it appropriate."

"Don't make me turn around and force you through this very same thing. Twice."

"...yeah, you know what? Forget being gentle."

"... **_SON OF A B-DAMN IT, LEONHART!_**"

"Yup. Got it right on the spot, too. I'm getting good at this." again with the smug tone.

"...I don't think I'll be walking out of here..."

"If you weren't tied down, _I_ wouldn't be walking anywhere myself. For a week. Aren't we both glad I persuaded you?"

Yuffie's eyes nearly popped out of her skull at the sudden turn of events. Who knew...that Squall Leonhart...was into..._that_. Then it hit her, and she panicked; they were probably finishing. And all she had was a memory - no footage, no recording of audio, _nothing_. Just a freakin' _memory_. With a decisive nod to herself, she sped away, hoping to find that camera before it was too late.

* * *

"...calmed down now?"

After receiving a tired nod, Leon reached forward and released Cloud's hand and foot from where they had been secured. "Potion or spell?"

"...spell."

"Don't move, then. _Cure_."

With a sigh of relief, Cloud allowed the warm feeling of magic to wash over him thoroughly, feeling a great deal better than before. At last, he pushed himself up onto his elbows, flexing his fingers with a measure of satisfaction.

Behind him, there was a rustle of cloth as Leon slipped his gloves and jacket back on.

"Next time you take out your anger on a giant three-headed dog without backup, try not to get an arm and a leg dislocated like this again? And next time, get Dr. Teo to do it. I'm surprised how you even made it back here."

A grunt, and Cloud sat up, pulling back on the tattered sleeve he had set aside. Perhaps he could get that fixed in good time. Then a thought crossed his mind.

"...say, Leonhart."

"Yeah?"

Cloud turned and eyed the door suspiciously. "Did you hear...something...earlier?"

"Besides you screaming like a school girl?"

"Shut up, Leonhart."

* * *

_**PlayfulSylph**_: Well...updated. XD

_**Renkin-chan**_: Thanks. Indeed, he would. XD

_**Starshinesoldier**_: And because he doesn't, do we have that form of hilarity.

_**Terr**_: Yup, you found it.

_**Billie the fourth sage**_: I wasn't the biggest fan of Treasure Island, but I really liked Treasure Planet, and its rendition of Silver and Jim. Guess that helped it along. Too bad they don't fight it out...or will they?

_**Shadow Cat17**_: I doubt I could get Phoenix Wright into this as well, though...ha. When one is paranoid on a dangerous level..._anything_ can be suggestive. XD


End file.
